You have to experience it for yourself

I never thought much about Maundy Thursday. Correction, I thought nothing of Maundy Thursday. It wasn't important at all, just a day before Good Friday. In fact, some years Good Friday wasn't significant either. Another public holiday plagued with projects/assignments/revisions for tests. A day to sleep in and hang out later in the day. Easter Sundays were better, since they fall on Sundays they could be met with a normal routine of transporting myself to church.

Year after year, they'd tell me all about Good Friday and Easter Sunday (They, referring to pastors and various preachers). I acknowledge the sacred significance behind the events of history and I know why we commemorate those days. Christ bore the sin of the world and died the ugliest death for us all. I can recite it backwards. Maybe it's just how life goes, I thought lesser, lesser and lesser of the day of commemoration. I mean, God loves me all the same, so it hurts no one nor thing that I put less importance on a calendar event right?

Now, this entry gives an account of what I went through to make it for Maundy Thursday service. You are warned that there will be incoherence from this point on, as the words are reflective of raw thoughts which went thought my mind in the span of a day.

I've been working my head off for the past 2 weeks. Newest record stood at 2am at client's office in Jurong. By the time I reached home from the cab-pool and got myself cleaned up, it was 3ish. I don't get home before midnight every day. What's more, Senior wanted to work on Good Friday. With all the fatigue and stress, don't tell me about Maundy Thursday or Good Friday or bad Friday. It'd probably be something I want to attend then go off. Go off to catch up on sleep or get a life elsewhere. If I could skip service altogether without being noticed that actually sounds like a good idea too.

But, there's a contradiction. I love God. I loved Him, I want to continue loving Him. Life has been tough, but I don't want to disappoint my loved one. And if I really loved Him spending time with Him should come naturally. But I've been working late every single night, how can it be possible that I get myself to serangoon at 8pm? So if I had the chance to knock off early, maybe I'd give church a shot.

On Thursday itself, I was informed that Senior might head back to office and so I'd be the only one in the team at the client's office. Oh, so that is the golden opportunity? But work was still piling up. Client started throwing schedules in, emails were flying all around. Colleagues were asking for outstanding matters, some were busy pulling out, I was the only longest continuity. I needed to get hold of the client before the official knock off time else everyone would vanish into thin air. More importantly, I was afraid the senior would find out I had scooted off when he realised no one was online.

I considered attending the service, so I can't be that bad a kid right. But I also (repeatedly) considered skipping the service, so I was still just a confused kid after all? Yet again, the same sense of longing tugged in the spirit and it wouldn't dissipate. Suddenly an accountant didn't know how to calculate the cost of an action. The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak.

But I knew it in my heart - God will honour my decision and God will make the way. He turned a late-night Thursday to grace-filled release. So be brave, take the plunge and just go. Traffic along PIE was horrendous. I would glance at my watch every few minutes and know very well I'd be late. Told the bf to save me a seat beside but it would be impossible to make it to the front pews if I were late. Better still, senior called me on my handphone while I was on the cab, so he knew I was off work though I knew that he knew I'd complete my work at another time. Nagging thoughts came again, like I planned to go for service but I was gonna be late. I planned to sit with my bf but I was gonna miss the opportunity. In every step of the way, obstacles surfaced. At every point in time, temptations abound. So, why in the world did I fight so hard to go in the first place??

I was 15min late and I sat alone. But you know what? Suddenly the reason why I've been fighting was made very clear. There was so much happiness and comfort in my soul that I couldn't help but know my decision was right. "Lord, I made it, and it's because You made it possible. And Lord, I'm here to worship You. I'm here to thank You for the cross. I'm here to lay down my life in surrender. I'm here just to be in Your courts." Glitter couldn't stop growing on my hands, palms and arms until the end of service. This has always been his way of telling me he had been there, in every situation.

Sometimes we lose the the fighting spirit. Sometimes we lose the fighting reason. But sometimes also, you have to get yourself to fight very hard for something, and the reason why you've been fighting will get to you again, and again. Christians, we have been called to be victors and courageous warriors, not apathetic and myopic cowards. I'm glad I attempted a fight and He won it all for me. My Father is amazing. I should be the first to testify, since I've received His grace, that His grace is in abundance.

And also, I'm thankful for my dear, who has been so supportive, understanding and ever loving in every season.